Today’s Thankful Thursday topic is Fasting.
New Year’s day does something to the brain doesn’t it? Every year, millions of people choose the start of a new year as an opportunity to commit to a new work out regimen, and I have to admit that I am guilty of that as well. The last three months of 2020 I was stuck in a, “I’m going to lose 10 pounds by next month.” loop. Every month, I started a new diet and after about a week, and losing maybe 2 pounds, I was back to my old habits. I was low vibrational. I was running from myself and in turn running from Spirit.
At the beginning of this month I noticed the customary increase in gym membership ads on social media. I also started to see my favorite internet celebrities talking about the diets and cleanses they were going to be undertaking to kick off the new year. For a few days I sat in judgement and criticism of everyone who was doing the cliche’ thing, committing the year to losing weight. Even my friends had begun to talk about the ways they were going to be living cleaner this year. I was Judge-y McJudgerson times ten! I didn’t know why though.
Here’s the thing, I don’t dislike my body. Depending on your definition, I would be classified as being a “thick” woman. I like being a thick woman and am proud of my body. This body has gotten me through the best of times and the worse. However, I started to notice that my eating habits and my mental health were heading in a direction that was not productive or in alignment with my new spiritual journey.
For the first part of last year I was a running queen. I didn’t feel like myself unless I was hitting the track at least five days a week for a three mile run but towards the end of the year, around the time I was finalizing my divorce, I fell off. I started eating like garbage and over-indulging in alcohol, which in turn left me unmotivated to work out. While I sat, judging everyone for being so predictable, I began to realize that I was judging them because I was jealous. Everyone else saw a problem with themselves and were brave enough to say out loud they wanted to fix it. Even if it was their fifth or fifteenth time proclaiming this was the year they were going to get fit or healthy, they weren’t afraid of my judgement or anyone else’s. My judgement of others was a clear sign that I had found a new area of improvement within myself.
I went into meditation about why I was afraid to be vulnerable. Why was I afraid to admit that my negative habits had overtaken my mental clarity and were blocking me from reaching new levels in my spiritual journey? After all, the over eating and alcohol were unhealthy coping mechanisms I turned to while I was in a place of self-pity. And for what? Spirit had provided for me all year. I was blessed beyond measure in 2020 and still I resorted to things that were blocking my spiritual energies. Meditation began showing me that all things were connected. It wasn’t enough to just meditate and study tarot. I had to start working on myself as a whole. That meant it was time for me to bring my body and mindset into alignment with the idea of the person I wanted to be.
Once I held a conference with myself and Spirit, I realized I didn’t just want to get in shape or lose a few pounds for vanity. What I wanted was find a way to stop being a judgmental cunt of people who were working to better themselves. I wanted to start running again because my morning runs were a way for me to commune with nature. I wanted to become vulnerable with myself and let go of the defense mechanisms I was putting up. These behaviors were stopping me from becoming the person I wanted to be. I was being ungrateful for the blessings of good health. In turn, that lack of gratitude was leading me down a path of destructive behaviors. I was hating on my friends. I was hating on people I thought were doing something I could never do.
After doing some research I decided I wanted to start fasting to show gratitude for all of the blessings I have received. I did some research online and decided that the best way I could do that was by committing to a 20:4 fasting period. I decided I would focus on taking 30-minutes, three times a day, to meditate and pray. Every hunger pang would serve as a reminder to be grateful for the blessings that I have and will receive. My expanding waist line was clear proof that I was well taken care of by spirit but I couldn’t think of when was the last time I had said thank you. As I’ve said before, showing gratitude reduces the likelihood of becoming a self serving, narcissistic, unappreciative, thoughtless, insufferable, self righteous, cunt. I wasn’t taking my own advice but I was about to start.
My focus for starting this fast was to gain control over my mind. By doing this, I hoped to identify the things inside myself that were leading me to negative and unproductive thought patterns. I don’t want to be a jealous person. I don’t want to be judgmental. I don’t want to be unhealthy. I want to continue to enjoy all the things that were coming into my life. Sure, I want to lose weight too but I felt like in order to lose the weight I needed to fix whatever was in me that was “broken” and causing me to indulge in self destructive behaviors.
So here I sit. It’s day four of my fast and I have been doing great! I have been documenting my progress with the intent to share my journey with you all once it is completed. What I can tell you now though, is the increase in prayer, meditation, and self reflection have illuminated more areas of improvement within myself. I even had an experience of manifestation that blew me away. I still have a long way to go, another seventeen days to be exact, but so far practicing gratitude, by way of fasting, has already begun to evolve my thinking. I have less time to focus on behaviors and thoughts that are not reflective of the person I want to become. As an added bonus, I’ve started to realize just how addicted to food and toxic responses I really am. I am proud to say I am working on breaking those addictions now, and I am grateful for the journey.