2020 The Year in Music: April

By April I was straight up mad.

On the outside I was cool as a cucumber. I was dealing with life as it came. But on the inside I was ready to set some stuff on fire.

It was becoming ever more apparent to me that I wasn’t a priority in my marriage. By April, my wife and I were supposed to be well on the road of reconciliation and working on things. We were supposed to be in couples counseling, trying to date each other again, learning ourselves and each other but instead, I was still going weeks without hearing from her. When I did hear from her it was about work, or her room mate situation. Not to discuss any meaningful steps towards reconciliation.

By April, she was just moving into a place of her own, something we agreed was supposed to happen in January and she had just started her first session with a therapist. It had been 11 months into our separation and the only thing we had accomplished was that she had moved out. Why was working on us, something that was taking so long? I was ready to talk. Ready to work on things. Ready to figure out our issues. I was ready the day I asked for a separation. I had spent 11 months waiting on her to be ready to take her first step because I had taken mine, months before.

Around the middle of April, I reached a place of “Fuck it!”. I had been hiding away from my friends because of the embarrassment I felt over being the first of us to marry and go through a divorce. I was keeping the driver at arms length because I was still trying to reserve my wife’s place in my heart. Lay off’s were starting around my job. It was all too much. Until the middle of April, I had been pretending to be okay, but then I woke up and told myself it was time to actually start being okay. What was I waiting for?

The driver moved to Houston full time to start another branch of her business and I decided it was time to start letting her in. Over the past four months she had been doing all of the right things, saying all of the right things, showering me with attention, and communicating with me. It was time I started to give her a real shot. That started with us taking our first road trip. During a pandemic. Sounds crazy, right? But it actually wasn’t.

We drove down to Louisiana to pick up her car. It was a turn around trip with no contact with any other people. She was a fantastic travel buddy which was one of my favorite past times with my wife. You don’t really know someone until you spent at least 12 hours in a car with them with nothing but the radio and conversation to sustain you. It was a nice 14-hour adventure and by the end of the trip I was feeling myself begin to warm more towards her.

I started putting forth effort in my appearance again. The color slowly started to return to my face. I started laughing from a genuine place. I had put on ten pounds by this point from stress, overeating, and lack of exercise, but I didn’t care and neither did the driver. It was time to start coming back into myself and work on reclaiming my power.

In the beginning of April, I was mad. I was feeling vengeful. I was hurt. I was tired.

By the end of April I decided to become a savage.

April’s theme song: Savage – Megan Thee Stallion

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s