By Adreanna

Yesterday, my biggest dread was taking my mom grocery shopping and potentially running into family members I’d rather not see today. No shade to my mom, of course, but I despise the grocery store. It’s been months since I’ve stepped inside. The crowded parking lot, careless drivers, and unruly kids are enough to trigger my anxiety. And once inside, it’s no better: oblivious shoppers, screaming children, long lines, and outrageous prices that make takeout seem like a bargain. And don’t even get me started on seeing family members that I’d much rather continue to pretend don’t exist when I take her home afterwards.

Yesterday was election day, and my biggest concern was grocery stores and awkward family run-ins. What I wasn’t worried about was the presidential election. My, oh my, how things can change in the span of a few hours.

The Build Up…

For months, I’ve held out hope that Kamala Harris would take the White House and give this country a fighting chance. Hell, I even renewed my voter registration for the first time since Barack was in office and cast my vote.

This is a pretty big deal for me because I typically don’t vote. But when presented with the choice between a scary, seemingly illiterate, dangerous criminal who incited a riot at our nation’s capital, under whose leadership racism flourished, who stripped women of the right to make their own choices regarding their bodies, and who has spent his whole campaign promising to double down on those efforts if re-elected, and an educated Black woman with a proven track record in politics and government policies, a comprehensive plan for the country, a promise to give women back their right to choose, who is focused on unifying the country, has experience, poise, no criminal record, is articulate, and who happens to be an eldest daughter, I felt like I had no choice in the matter but to get out and vote.

Kamala promised us A New Way Forward, offering us a beacon of hope that we can move towards a more stable economy, improve race relations, continue to protect the rights of marginalized people, and protect our country while Donald implored us to Make America Great Again, which is pretty much a dog whistle signal to the racists, fascists, and bigots that it’s time to send the country back to a time when women and ethnic groups had no rights, a call to greedy corporate overlords to keep lower and middle-class Americans oppressed, and to disregard and overthrow the rights of marginalized people.

To me, Kamala’s campagin was focused on the needs and right’s of the American people, her campaign promised improvements to the quality of life of all American’s and using our tax dollars to protect our country. She presents a detailed plan of action to cut taxes, make housing affordable, improve healthcare and for every other aim should she win the office. It’s was giving real Eldest Daughter vibes and I don’t trust anybody to get a job done better than an Eldest Daughter.

Donald’s campaign was focused on targeting and eradicating people from the country, making empty promises about ending wars that we all want to see end, cutting and eliminating taxes, reducing credit card interest rates, and lowering prices which all sound good but for which he has no real plan of action. It’s giving snake oil salesman to me. It’s giving tell the people what they want to hear.

The choice was pretty clear to me given the information that I had to work with and of course, I felt like it was pretty clear to the rest of the country as well.

So even though yesterday was election day, I was more worried about my familial obligations because surely, this country wasn’t going to do anything crazy. There was no way the vote wouldn’t go to Kamala Harris, especially given her opponent’s lack of any kind of real plan to make any of his promises come true, his history of problematic behavior, pending criminal cases, and the actual charges he’s been convicted of. The man’s a felon for Christ’s sake! There was just no way that this was going to happen.

The Let Down…

Once the polls closed last night, like most of you, I tuned in to the election results. As is the same every cycle, the red states turned red early on and the battleground states hemmed and hawed. Pretty typical. I actually fell asleep with my phone in my hand; the poll results were the last thing I saw before bed, and they were the first thing I checked this morning, once I fished my phone from between the headboard and the mattress, of course.

I went to bed hopeful last night. I was hopeful for a unified country. Hopeful that women’s right to choose would be restored and protected. Hopeful about tax credits to help the middle and lower class Americans. Hopeful about capping the out of pocket cost for medications. Hopeful about debt relief. Hopeful about housing support. I was hopeful as hell only to get up this morning to the news that…

Donald Trump has won the Presidential Election…again.

And now, all of a sudden, a trip to the grocery store, and possibly having to see people I’d rather continue to pretend don’t exist, seems like a walk in the park.

As I sit at this computer this morning contemplating all that this decision could possibly mean for the country, I am filled with dread, anxiety, nausea, concern, anger, and fear. Because to this President, I am a triple threat.

I am a black lesbian woman.

I don’t want to go outside today. I’ve closed the tabs on my phone tracking the election. I don’t want to see or hear the speeches. I’m not ready to start side-eyeing every person I encounter, wondering if they are partially responsible for this mess and pondering what their motivation was. I don’t want to see the social media think pieces, the mix of emotions, allegations, pessimism, skepticism. I’m just not ready yet. So today, before and after I take my mother to the grocery store, I will be watching The Big Bang Theory, brainstorming and drafting, playing Royal Match on my phone, cuddling my cat, and pretending that this country still cares about people over profits.

How are you feeling about the results of today’s election? I’d love to read about it in the comments below, tomorrow.