By Adreanna

Yesterday was a bit of a washout for writing. Instead of hunkering down with my laptop, I ended up spending the afternoon chatting with an old friend who’s been caught up in another whirlwind romance. We haven’t spoken in a while because she went ghost to entertain a lesbian Uhaul situationship, and her latest conquest had trust issues which meant she wasn’t allowed to talk to any other feminine presenting women during the course of their “relationship”. When she told me about all this near the beginning of their love affair, I knew that it wouldn’t last long because my friend is a flighty Gemini and the fastest way to lose a Gemini is to try to contain them. Homegirl tried it though.

My friend, now free from the confines of her toxic tryst, was back and ready to regale me with tales of the failed connection. She spilled all the tea while feigning ignorance as to why and how she continues to find herself in crazy situations with these random women. Laugh’s, uh uhn’s, woooow’s, and shut the fuck up’s laced our conversation as I was transported into her recounting of all the sordid details of why the relationship came to an end.

After catching up on the latest shenanigans in her life we began to discuss the possibility of picking back up where we left off with trying to start a podcast together. I’m apprehensive about even trying to pursue it with her again because her past behavior has shown me that she isn’t going to stay focused on the task to completion. Time a fine woman in a tight skirt floats by telling her she’s fine as hell, she’ll be off to create more stories that leave me with, as my other friend would say, shocked Pikachu face. But, I still entertained the conversation because honestly, I didn’t have anything else to do. Writing clearly wasn’t happening so I figured why not.

We bounced some content topics off each other for a few minutes before I landed on a topic that I’ve always been curious about. Why do black lesbians aka “studs” tend to make significantly less than their femme counterparts. We riffed off the idea and briefly speculated on the cause before ending the call. This question has been a point of inquiry for me for a while but as my social circle is very small I’ve never had anyone else to poll about the reasons why this may be.

To my surprise, but not really, when I jumped onto YouTube a few minutes later, this very conversation topic was at the top of my queue, so I strapped in to watch the podcast hosted by two studs. I watched the whole hour of the show and ended up being no more clear on why this phenomenon exists than before I started. But, there was a gem there that begged to be explored.

One of the hosts posited that karma only comes for the conscious. She explained that the reason some people seem to get dealt with through karma and others, perhaps the most dastardly and deserving of karmic retribution, don’t seem to be affected by karma at all, is that karma is tied to emotional awareness and consciousness. She asserted that if you lack consciousness and or emotional awareness, then there’s no way for karma to reach you.

I have found myself on the receiving end of injustice dolled out by the hands of people who most certainly need to be reckoned with but they seemingly never do. Then on the other hand, I have done things that are less than brag-worthy but felt that I received swift karmic justice for my misdeed. So. For a second, I was like, hhmmm… because her assertion gave my brain a possible way to rationalize why some people get “what’s coming to them” and others don’t.

Her point of view offers an escape hatch that I could sweep those bad feelings into. Dismiss away the feelings that come up when I feel there has been a lack of justice being carried about by telling myself they aren’t getting justice because they aren’t consciously aware of the bad they are doing, yet. Because at least then, I can hold out hope that once they do step into consciousness, they will get fire and brimstone rained down on them in the worst way.

Even though I try to live above the fray, I’m human and I still wrestle with vengeance so this great for me!

But as much as I wanted to accept this as truth, something just didn’t sit right in my stomach about her position on karma so I took it to Google do to some research. According to the grand wizard Google:

Karma is an ancient Indian concept that refers to the idea that a person’s actions and intentions (cause) lead to consequences (effect). The term is derived from the Sanskrit word karma, which simply means “action”.

Karma, as traditionally understood, is the law of cause and effect. It’s not about punishment or reward, but rather the natural consequences of our actions. Whether we’re consciously aware of our behavior or not, our actions will inevitably shape our experiences.

Well, that’s a drag! I mean, all due respect to Saturn and the karmic lessons that it imparts, but when I think about karmic justice, I think eye for an eye, not you’ll continue to get what you get until you take a different action. I thought I’d finally found a way to reconcile the bad taste that gets left in my mouth when I see people doing bad things they never seem to be punished for.

But that’s not karma. Karma isn’t about punishment or reward, but rather the natural consequences of our actions. Whether we’re consciously aware of our behavior or not, our actions will inevitably shape our experiences. It’s a humbling reminder that everyone is on their own spiritual journey. We can’t control the actions of others, but we can choose how we respond to them.

But it makes sense though, right?

Here I thought I’d found a way to reconcile why people don’t get what I think they deserve, but instead, I’ve ended up right back on the love and light side of spirituality—my home, by the way—sitting with the same call to accept that everyone creates and lives their own heaven or hell, and that just because I don’t think the consequences fit the crime, doesn’t mean they don’t fit for the person who committed the crime.

Take my friend, for example. It’s her karma that she continues to find herself in toxic situations right as she approaches an opportunity to level up in her career. It’s no surprise, really. When I think about all the drama-filled dating stories she’s shared and how she seems to always be chasing the next big creative project, it’s clear that she’s stuck in a loop. It’s like karma’s playing a cruel joke on her, throwing these toxic relationships her way right when she’s on the brink of a major breakthrough. And until she wakes up and starts making different choices, she’s doomed to repeat this cycle of drama and stagnation.

I suppose that on some level I already knew this, and it’s why I couldn’t just leave well enough alone with the podcaster’s opinion. I’ve been on this journey of enlightenment for a while, and I know that karma isn’t a universal record keeper in charge of handing out punishment, and that worrying about how other people are going to be “paid back” for their transgressions is just a distraction that will stop me from focusing on creating my own justice, but dang! Shaking the spirit of wanting vengeance is hard, and sometimes a girl just dreams of there being some force that will come in and right the wrongs and collect a pound of flesh.