By Adreanna

I think somewhere along the way a lot of people started confusing self-protection with self-sabotage.

And before y’all start, yes, boundaries are important. Therapy is important. Rest is important. Healing is important.

But some of y’all are not protecting your peace anymore.

You’re hiding.

Especially when it comes to dating, relationships, community, and pursuing the life you say you want.

I spend a lot of time in social spaces, especially around other Black lesbians, and one thing I keep noticing is that everybody wants love. Deep love. Safe love. Long-term partnership. Marriage. Community. Somebody to build a life with.

But at the same time, people are structuring their lives in ways that make connection almost impossible.

Nobody goes anywhere.
Nobody wants to risk rejection.
Nobody wants to be vulnerable first.
Nobody wants to be uncomfortable.
Everybody wants the other person to prove themselves before they even crack the door emotionally.

Your future partner has to be emotionally evolved, financially stable, perfectly communicated, healed, self-aware, attractive, intentional, consistent, romantic, emotionally available, funny, ambitious, and somehow magically appear in your living room while you “protect your peace” at home every weekend.

And listen… some of the standards people have ARE valid.

But be honest with yourself.

At what point do standards become walls?

At what point does “protecting your peace” become avoiding disappointment?
Avoiding vulnerability?
Avoiding effort?
Avoiding the possibility of rejection?
Avoiding being seen?

Because a lot of people say they want intimacy while avoiding every situation that intimacy actually requires.

You cannot build connection without vulnerability.
You cannot build community without inconvenience.
You cannot build a different life while repeating the same emotionally safe routines every day.

And this doesn’t just show up in dating.

People say they want to start businesses but spend years “researching” instead of starting.
People say they want community but avoid spaces that require openness.
People say they want change but retreat the second change stops feeling inspirational and starts feeling uncomfortable.

And I think social media has made this worse because now people have endless therapeutic language to justify staying exactly where they are.

“I’m protecting my peace.”
“I don’t have the capacity.”
“That drained me.”
“That triggered me.”
“I’m focusing on myself right now.”

Meanwhile years are passing.

And to be clear, some people genuinely DO need rest.
Some people genuinely ARE healing.
Some situations genuinely ARE unhealthy.

But I also think some people are becoming so committed to avoiding discomfort that they are accidentally avoiding their own lives.

Because the truth is, most meaningful things in life require some level of risk.

Love does.
Community does.
Reinvention does.
Growth does.

You are probably not going to heal your way into a life where nothing ever feels uncomfortable again.

At some point, you have to decide whether protecting your peace is helping you build the life you want…

Or protecting you from ever having to risk going after it at all.