By Adreanna

As Black women navigating the dating world, we’re often told that our relationship woes stem from inadequate vetting. If things don’t work out, the blame is subtly (or not so subtly) shifted onto us: We didn’t dig deep enough. We missed the red flags. We didn’t ask the right questions. This constant pressure to be the perfect investigator has us doing mental gymnastics, trying to decipher the “right” formula for finding love. We’re doing cartwheels, summersaults, backhand springs, trying to figure it out.

The quest for a compatible partner can feel like an impossible mission. We’ve joined online forums, becoming amateur sleuths, uncovering every potential partner’s background. We’ve consumed countless dating advice podcasts, read the relationship bible Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man until the pages are worn, and created date-night cheat sheets.

We’re bombarded with advice on how to look, talk, and act, as if conforming to a certain ideal will magically attract “the one.” We’ve tried it all. We’ve meticulously checked boxes, transforming ourselves into what we think is the perfect partner, only to find ourselves burned out and back at square one.

It’s frustrating. It’s exhausting. It’s downright disheartening. It feels like the good ones are taken or unavailable, and the ones who are available are… well, not what we’re looking for. The whole process can leave us feeling hopeless.

Because of this, many of us have retreated, waiting for Mr. Right to materialize on our doorstep – a scenario more likely to involve a delivery driver than a soulmate. (No shade to delivery drivers, a job is a job!). It’s like we’re waiting for him to come knocking, but unless our vision of happily ever after comes with our knight in shining armor pulling up in an Amazon delivery truck as their steed, the chances of that happening are slim to none.

But what if there was another way? What if finding your person wasn’t about endless vetting and self-improvement projects, but about something much simpler? Something you’ve probably heard a million times before, yet often overlook?

My advice, and it’s advice that resonates with many, is to get real with yourself about the role you want your partner to play in your life. Focus on the qualities you truly need, not just the superficial metrics. This advice, while geared towards the experiences of Black women navigating the dating world, can be helpful for anyone seeking a fulfilling partnership.

This might sound overly simple, and you might be thinking, “I already know this!” But the truth is, many of us say we want certain things, but we haven’t truly considered what those things look like in practice.

For example, many women desire a partner who earns a six-figure salary. That’s a valid desire, but have you considered the lifestyle that often accompanies such a career? The long hours, the potential for stress, the time away from family? Is that really what you want?

On the other hand, a partner with strong emotional intelligence might not earn as much, but they’ll have the time and energy to connect with you on a deeper level, offering emotional support and creating meaningful experiences.

A partner who is skilled with their hands might not be wealthy, but they can fix things around the house and offer a sense of security.

Think about the role they play: are they your confidant, your adventure buddy, a source of intellectual stimulation, or someone who brings stability to your life? What specific qualities do they need to possess to fulfill that role?

The point is, stop focusing on vanity metrics and start focusing on the function your partner will serve in your life. What are your non-negotiables? What qualities are essential for your happiness and well-being? Instead of looking for a “provider,” consider what that actually means to you. Is it financial security? Emotional support? Someone who takes care of the home? You might be surprised to find that there are many different ways to fulfill that role.

By defining what you truly need and want from a partner, beyond the surface-level attributes, you’ll open yourself up to a wider range of possibilities. You might discover that there are many more compatible partners out there than you previously thought. It’s about finding someone who complements you, not someone who fits a pre-conceived ideal. It’s about finding someone real.

Now, I want to hear from you. What roles are most important to you in a partner?

Share your thoughts in the comments below!