Nayshondra “Coach Nay” Mercer, a co-author of the Amazon bestseller Awareness Put Me On, is more than just a name. She’s a force, a visionary, and a beacon of hope for the LGBTQ+ community. As a brilliant transformation coach and the host of The Rainbow Bridge Podcast, Coach Nay is on a mission to empower Black and queer individuals to live authentically. Her signature slogan, “Making LGBTQ Untriggerable,” encapsulates her commitment to helping her clients overcome challenges and reach their full potential.

In this exclusive interview, we delve deep into Coach Nay’s journey as an eldest daughter, her experiences with burnout, and her vision for leading her Gullah Geechee family as a matriarch. We also explore her unwavering dedication to empowering queer people of faith to become the leaders they’re destined to be.

“Coach Nay, thank you for joining me today to discuss your experiences as an eldest daughter and your inspiring work with the LGBTQ+ community. If you’re ready, let’s jump right in, shall we?”

“Hi Coach Dee, thank you for having me. I’m ready; let’s get into it.”

The Weight of the Crown: A Daughter’s Journey

“As the eldest daughter, you are given a unique set of responsibilities and expectations. Can you share some specific moments that solidified your understanding of this role?”

“There wasn’t one defining moment, but a series of experiences that solidified my role as the eldest daughter. It started subtly. My parents would always say things like, ‘You are your sister’s keeper.’ It wasn’t a request; it was an expectation. If she did something wrong, I would get spanked for it. It felt like I was constantly on call, responsible for managing my sister’s behavior.

One particularly difficult incident stands out. There was a time when my mom took me with her to discipline my sister by spanking her, and it left a lasting impact on both of us. Unfortunately, this led to my sister and me talking to doctors, then social workers, and ultimately resulted in a custody battle between my divorcing parents that caused my mom to lose custody of us for a summer. Despite this, the dynamic of me being my sister’s keeper didn’t change much. The message was clear: my sister’s well-being was my responsibility.

As we grew older and I relocated out of state, this sense of responsibility extended even to phone calls with my parents. When they called, they rarely asked about me but readily launched into their own problems or issues with my sister. I felt like a mediator, expected to solve their problems without having any space for my own life.

Looking back, I realize that I internalized these expectations. I assumed that because they brought their problems to me, they wanted me to fix them. It took a lot of work, but I’ve learned to set boundaries and prioritize my own needs.”

“Given the historical role of eldest daughters as secondary caregivers, do you believe this role is still necessary in Black families today, or are there ways to challenge and redefine these expectations?”

“It’s a complex issue. While I understand the historical role of eldest daughters as caregivers, I’ve experienced firsthand the weight of those expectations. In my Gullah Geechee culture, the eldest daughter often assumes a matriarchal role, responsible for guiding and supporting the family.

I’ve embraced this role, but I’ve also challenged its traditional limitations. Instead of solely relying on myself, I’ve encouraged a more collaborative approach within my family. We’ve established a system where responsibilities are shared among family members, recognizing that leadership isn’t solely the burden of the eldest.

However, I also acknowledge the importance of individual strengths and weaknesses. Not everyone is suited for leadership roles, and that’s okay. By fostering a more equitable and collaborative approach, we can ensure the well-being of our family without placing undue pressure on any one individual.”

“Can you share with me some of the pros and cons of being the eldest daughter from your experiences?”

“I’d say the pros of being the eldest daughter are that I am a natural-born leader. I am disciplined. I’m diligent. I’m consistent. I’m not afraid to tackle challenges straight on because I didn’t have an example growing up. I was the example.

As the firstborn, the first to work in foster care, and the first in corporate, I was expected to lead by example. I was the problem solver, the peacekeeper, the shoulder to cry on. But I was so focused on caring for others that I neglected my own needs. My empathic nature led me to become a master of pleasing people, always striving to meet the expectations of those around me.”

“At what point did you realize the impact that your empathetic nature had on your own well-being? How did this realization shape your approach to self-care and boundaries?”

“My sister played a pivotal role in my self-discovery. She pointed out my empathetic nature and helped me to see that I am an Empath, a trait that often left me feeling drained. I realized that I was constantly absorbing the emotions of others, leaving little room for my own. To me, it was a revelation, but it was so obvious to her – something that she had known about me for her whole life.

It was at that point that I began to question my identity. Who was I outside of the role of the eldest daughter? I wondered how different my life would be if I hadn’t always been the one to shoulder the burdens of my family and in my workplace because not only was I a caretaker in my family, but I was also doing it in my role as a foster care worker. Eventually, all of that taking care of everyone else led me to burning out when I was around 30.

It wasn’t until I hit that breaking point that I realized I needed to prioritize myself. I started setting boundaries and saying no, even if it was uncomfortable. This shift in perspective not only improved my personal life but also positively impacted my professional career.

When I transitioned to the corporate world, I carried these lessons with me. I was no longer afraid to say no to unreasonable demands or to prioritize my mental health. This approach, while initially met with resistance, eventually led to a healthier work-life balance. By setting boundaries and modeling self-care, I was able to inspire others to do the same.

Today, I’m proud to say that I’ve transformed this role from a burden into a strength. I’ve learned to balance my responsibilities with my own well-being. While the legacy of the eldest daughter continues to shape me, I’m determined to redefine it for myself and for future generations.”

This Queen Wears Many Crowns: Author. Host. Coach.

“As an eldest daughter, you’ve chosen a career path in helping others. What inspired you to become a transformational coach, and who are you hoping to empower?”

“It’s just my purpose. It was given to me, and I know that because it feels so natural, and it feels like what I’m supposed to do. Somebody has to do it, and I do believe that the somebodies that have to do it have been predestined to do it, and I know that I’m one of those people who was predestined. So naturally falling into mental health and helping others is who I am. Me being a servant, being of service to other people is who I am, and I didn’t put that there. God definitely put that there.

I wish I could say that I chose it, but the truth is that I ran from it for so long. One of my biggest moments of spiritual awakening was the day that God walked into my bedroom and He said to me, “Who are you?” Plain and simple. “Who are you?” And I was not able to answer the question because I had become all the other things that everybody else wanted me to be, and when I wasn’t able to answer the question, what I heard was, “You are a teacher.” That’s what I heard. “You are a teacher, you are my teacher, and you are going to teach who I want you to teach.”

I was a teacher. At the time of this God encounter, I was teaching through the College of Social Work at the University of South Carolina. After exiting that position, I became certified as a Core Energy Coach and began coaching, but I was still running from the charge to coach within the LGBTQ community. But God knew that I was afraid to work exclusively with the LGBTQ community, and He said to me, “I made you who you are, and I know what other people are going to say about it. I know what they’re going to say when it comes to the fact that you were raised in the Christian faith, and you still follow me. But the bottom line is, there’s nothing about you that I can’t use for my glory.” That was what I heard, clear as day. And I still fought it, and I fought it! It wasn’t until I had other people who came to me—several people who came to me over the course of very many years—and basically let me know that me just being who I am helped them change and transform their minds about what they thought this LGBTQ thing was. And what God really is or isn’t doing in the lives of people who are LGBTQ. And when I saw them transform, that’s when I knew that I could be used to help my community – both Black and Queer.

My mission is to help Black women, Black people, melanated people—not even just us, but our Brown brothers and sisters—to break generational curses by becoming untriggerable and helping them to do that by regulating their nervous system, being able to properly identify their emotions so they can communicate their needs, their wants, and to be able to put boundaries around themselves and other people so that they can keep themselves safe at all times. I truly believe that when you know better, you do better, like the late, great Miss Maya Angelou said, and I feel like a lot of folks in our communities don’t do better just because they don’t know better. So it is my goal to help them know better so that they don’t continue to perpetuate the same stuff in the same cycles over and over again.

Another mission of mine is working with high-powered Queer executives and professionals to help them learn to stand in their power so that they can show up as their confident, authentic selves in their leadership. I believe that everybody is a leader, and we all lead in our own ways. So it’s really just about figuring out what type of leader you are, where your energy stems from, and then standing in that power.

This work feels like my true calling. It’s as if I was born to help others. I’m grateful for the opportunity to use my experiences and skills to make a positive impact on people’s lives.”

“Such an inspirational start to walking in your purpose! Thank you for sharing that with me. Now let’s talk about your book!”

“Oh, yes! I’m proud to have contributed to a powerful book titled “Awareness Put Me On.” This collaborative project features 20 Black and Brown voices sharing their experiences of how self-awareness has propelled their leadership journeys.

In my chapter, “I Am: Seeking Myself,” I delve into the intersection of faith and mental health. I share my personal journey and how my faith has been a source of strength and guidance during my mental health struggles. If anyone is interested in learning more about my journey and the journeys of the other 19 brilliant women and men featured, they can purchase the book from Amazon.

“I Am: Seeking Myself” is also the name of my signature coaching program that will be relaunching on January 13, 2025, so stay tuned for that.”

“That’s amazing! You’re quite the multi-hyphenate! Tell me more about your podcast, The Rainbow Bridge.”

“The Rainbow Bridge Podcast is a space where I dive into the highs and lows of life. I share insights on love, relationships, and spiritual growth. Whether you’re seeking advice on dating, healing past wounds, or connecting with your higher power, there’s something for everyone. You can find the podcast on Spotify.”

A Final Word

Coach Nay’s story is a powerful reminder that even the strongest individuals face challenges. Through self-awareness, resilience, and a willingness to learn, we can overcome adversity and live our best lives.

If you’re inspired by Coach Nay’s journey and ready to embark on your own, connect with her on Instagram @coachnay_. She offers transformative coaching services to help you unlock your full potential.

Coach Nay, thank you so much for sharing your inspiring story. Your insights into the challenges and rewards of being the eldest daughter, as well as your journey of self-discovery, are truly valuable.

“Thank you for having me. It’s been a pleasure sharing my story and insights. I believe that by sharing our experiences, we can inspire and empower others. Remember, it’s never too late to start your journey of self-discovery and personal growth.“