Ain’t no party like a hurt hoe party, cause a hurt hoe party don’t stop!
At the beginning of March, I was still on that back and forth bullshit. I had gone maybe three weeks with no communication. No contact whatsoever and in a moment of loneliness I sent an email that would lead me right back down that same road of hurt.
I took this photo sitting in my car after the last time I spent the night with her. There was an energy of finality present at the breakfast table that morning. It was a quiet acceptance that I would never get what I’d hoped to get from this situation. I cried for a number of reasons in the car later that afternoon but what I most remember feeling was abandoned.
I read something on Instagram, I think. That says something like, when God wants you to move out of a situation that you refuse to let go of, she will allow that situation to hurt you in unimaginable ways until you have no choice but to let go. I obviously hadn’t experienced enough embarrassment to this point because it didn’t stop me from sending that email, driving to her house, or resuming communication, again.
I was starting to get sick of my own shit though.
Contrary to what my behavior may be suggesting, I am a pretty smart woman. I knew, the whole way through that something was wrong with the way I was managing this situation. But, I didn’t have the vocabulary, nor frame of reference that would explain why I was self sabotaging, demoralizing myself, and adding more cuts to my hypothetical wrists. All of this was behind someone that I really didn’t want anymore but couldn’t seem to stop hurting myself behind.
Then one day, the mother advice that I needed appeared…
I was cleaning my house one morning listening to YouTube video’s when I came across this one from Love Dorsey. Take a minute to watch it, then come back to this post.
Sis said a bunch of words in this video and baby a hit dog will holler. I was in my apartment that morning going down the rabbit hole of Love Dorsey on YouTube!
Sis not only gave me clear, practical, logical, insight into my situation, she spoke to me in a way that resonated with my spirit. I was hooked! I started taking her advice on everything and learning a new way to help myself that didn’t involve placing blame on others. It was through the Love Dorsey chats that I discovered Attachment Theory, which then led me to Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, and finally to a book that would explode my mind.
Daughter Detox: Recovering From An Unloving Mother, would transform my views on why I was doing the things that I was doing and help me stop.
The first day in bed…
I spent all day in bed the first Saturday after my book came in the mail. Baby, let me tell you. The first couple of chapters had me swimming in tears. It was like someone came in and took a blindfold off me for the first time, and I was able to see for the first time.
This book not only explained to me what I was doing, but why I was doing it.
I was refusing to take responsibility for the part I was playing in my own demise. I realized that my issues were created long before I ever met the Driver and that those wounds were in fact the reason I choose to deal with her in the first place. While it’s true that she was a narcissistic asshole, I was an empathetic narcissistic asshole. We fed off each other. It was a classic runner chaser situation where neither of us really won anything.
The whole relationship dynamic was a symptom of a problem that I’ve had since nine years old.
I had been so committed to trying to demonize someone who clearly had their own issues, that I didn’t see my own. In March, I learned that the Driver was only half my problem.
I began implementing some of the things I learned from the book and Love Dorsey chat videos immediately. I stopped looking to please other people, trying to fix other people, and trying to gain acceptance from them. All of these things were HARD to do because at 34 years old, I had NEVER strayed away from my nine year old mission of becoming a good girl.
I decided that I was going to figure out how to focus on myself, and then do it. This too was hard asf! Mainly because I had no idea who I was. My identity to this point was a singular one. I was an unloved daughter who loved to be a victim. I had become so comfortable in my victimization that I had turned myself into an empathic narcissist.
Now. How do I get out of that toxic ass loophole?
One of the first things I did was stop feeling sorry for myself. I began slowly peeling my ass from my favorite victim seat.
I started being an active participant in my brain chatter. I started working to shut off the autopilot narrative that if I could just be a good girl, people would love me.
Instead of laying around wallowing in self pity, feeding myself useless hypotheticals about whose fault it was that my life was so fucked up, I started identifying areas of improvement and writing them down. I went through SO many journals this year, lol.
Then I got my ass up, got cute, and got outside the house. I stopped turning down invites to hang with my friends for stupid reasons like it was a week night, and I started saying yes to the new opportunities I was being presented with. Instead of staying home all weekend because I didn’t have anyone else to go out with, I started going out by myself.
By no means was this a cure all to my fucked up psychological issues. But, it was a great first step to get me off the carousel of focusing to the point of obsession on someone who only wanted me as long as I was willing to chase them for love.
In March, the unloved daughter with narcissistic tendencies decided to stop chasing everyone else and start getting to know herself.
Theme song – F Boys are Tools for Enlightenment – Toni Jones